How to Stay Happily Married for a Long Time

I got married in 1975 and I am still married to the same man today. (You do the math.) Over the years we’ve discovered and developed ways to keep our marriage a happy place. Has it been easy? Yes and no. But there are definitely some techniques and tactics we have learned along the way that have enabled us to live happily together all these years. Here are a few tips gleaned from over three decades of marriage.

Be smart before you start.

Before you consider getting married, make sure that you know each other well. It is likely that you will be opposite in personality since we tend to be attracted to our opposites. That’s fine, but what you need to make sure of is that you have the same goals for your life together. You must have things in common like what kind of life you want to live.

It helps if your backgrounds are similar since there is less adjustment required once you are together, but more important is that you want the same things out of life. For example, if one of you wants to live in the city and the other wouldn’t dream of leaving the country, then you may want to look at your ability to compromise before taking the leap.

Make a commitment for life.

When I got married, my plan was to stay with this man for the rest of my life. It still is and his is the same. When you are totally committed to making the marriage work, then you never consider any other alternative. Assuming that the relationship is not abusive, or completely untenable for reasons of betrayal, don’t entertain divorce as an option. You will position yourself to find solutions to your problems because your goal of having a happy marriage and making it work is paramount.

Forget “my way or the highway” attitudes.

Instead, decide which issues are the most important to you and which you are willing to give in on. Yes, I said, give in. When your “big picture” goal is to have a pleasant existence with another person, it gives you perspective on what is really important and what you can let go. You will find that sometimes you get things your way, and sometimes your partner wins. Be willing to let go what’s not vital to you, but to make your wishes known on what you truly value.

Make an effort to make your mate happy. 

When both of you have the goal of making the other happy rather than looking out solely for your own happiness the whole tone of the relationship changes. In giving in order to please your spouse you set up a situation where neither of you feels like you must grab as much happiness as you can for yourself or else there will be none for you. Look for ways to make your spouse happier. You really do reap what you sow.

Spend as much time together as you can.

Presumably you got married so the two of you could be together. So be together as much as you can. By spending time together you have far less chance of growing apart, having misunderstandings, or losing touch with what’s important to each of you. By being together you increase your opportunities for talking about your lives and staying connected to each other.

Practice forgiveness.

Let the grudges go. Don’t keep track of your spouse’s infractions of your private code of behavior. Talk things over then let them go. I know it’s not always easy, in fact, sometimes it is very difficult, but any relationship worth preserving is going to have challenging times. You are going to hurt and disappoint each other. It goes with the territory. Just don’t hang onto the hurts, don’t entertain the grievances, and don’t assume that anything is unforgiveable.

Be kind to each other. 

Many of us save our best behavior for complete strangers and let our worst out with those we love and who love us. This is backwards. I’m not suggesting that you be rude to strangers, but that your very best behavior should be with those you profess to care about. If you consistently treat your spouse with kindness, as well as demonstrating your love, you become much more lovable.

Don’t allow yourself to make your spouse your enemy or your dumping ground. Definitely, you want to be able to talk over your troubles and frustrations, but blame and recriminations toward your mate is a recipe for pain. And in this case, pain equals no gain.

Make God the centre of your life.

Living with you as god simply doesn’t work because a life that’s ‘all about me’ leaves no room for anyone else. It also cuts you off from your greatest source of wisdom, help, peace, joy and contentment. When you make the focus of your life God-centered your whole perspective changes. And when you live your life to please God, you also become more lovable and more loving.