The Best Defense

We have no doubt all heard the phrase, “The best defense is a good offense”. I am not sure where it originated but I suspect it came from the sports arena. While this may be good strategy in a football game, it falls short when applied to personal relationships.

Still, lots of people use this logic when dealing with others. It is particularly popular when we don’t want to look at ourselves, especially if others are asking, requiring, or demanding that we look at our attitudes, our behavior, or what comes out of our mouths. Since I like to challenge assumptions as a means of helping myself and others create better lives, this is one I challenge.

The only reason the best defense would be a good offense in relationships is if you perceive that what others say to you is a personal attack. For the moment, let’s assume that no one is personally attacking your character, just suggesting ways you might change to do better in your work, your dealings with others, or how you relate to those around you.

Let’s say, for example, Sally and I are working together on a project. I ask her if she could please take more care with the materials since some of them are dropping to the floor, becoming dirty, and are no longer useful.

If Sally believes that the best defense is a good offense she might turn on me, get angry, and tell me that I’m not the neatest person in the world either and she never likes how I’m doing things. What just happened?

1. Sally felt personally attacked when nothing personal was intended. This problem is that materials are getting dirty, not that Sally is a bad person.
2. Sally believes that to deflect attention from her perceived shortcomings, she must turn and point out mine. This will take the heat off her actually having to face something in herself that she doesn’t want to look at, most likely that she doesn’t feel very good about herself.
3. The problem is not resolved because Sally is aggressively defending her own ego by attacking me so the problem at hand gets ignored in the ensuing maelstrom of negative emotions.
4. The real issue never gets dealt with.

Now you might think the real issue is the stuff falling on the floor, but that’s not it at all. The real issue is why Sally feels she needs to protect her own ego at all costs, including the cost of a pleasant working environment and getting the job done.

The ego is selfish and always wants to protect its territory in your heart. The ego can easily be humiliated or disgraced because it is always proud and self-serving. Contrast this with the concept of humility. You can’t humiliate someone who is already humble.

Humility has gotten a bad rap in our “it’s all about me” culture, but true humility is not about being humiliated or disgraced, it is about understanding that without God we are nothing. Let me repeat that. Without God you are nothing; I am nothing. Without the breath of God in our spirits, we would not even exist. We exist in the first place because of the life God gives us. It is not “all about me” after all.

Once we understand this, we enter into true humility. In true humility there is no pride, no self-aggrandizing ego, and no danger of being humiliated or disgraced. Let me repeat, you cannot be humiliated if you are already humble. True humility means that you understand your place in God.

Now, think about it. Will your relationships change when you stop trying to protect your ego by counter-attacking others who most likely have your best interests in mind? Can you see that by realizing your own place in God’s world – he is everything and without him you are nothing at all – you are set free from the chore of protecting your proud ego at all costs?

Jesus said that whoever he sets free is free indeed. Among other things, this means freedom from being controlled by a selfish, demanding ego. By accepting this freedom, we become free from having to prove anything at all about ourselves, either to ourselves or to others. We become free to just be ourselves because we know that we are accepted by God just as we are.

How could it be otherwise? If we are nothing without God in our lives, then we are only something because of him. If that’s the case then he made us purposely who we are. If he made us exactly who we are, then we are already totally acceptable to him and accepted by him. My goodness, when you grasp this you realize that even if someone does attack your character it won’t matter. It only matters that you are already totally acceptable to God so whatever others may say can roll right off your back. This is true humility.

What else could we possibly need?

When it comes to relationships, the best defense is not a good offense. It is understanding who we are in God – accepted, loved, and treasured. No defense is required.